Not in Kansas
“What have you learned, Dorothy? ”
“Well, I think that it wasn’t enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, and it’s that - if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.
In this moment, I feel like I’m in Oz. I feel like I’m in a world that I don’t fully belong in (but keep in mind, its in color- thats a plus). In this moment all I want is to go home.
Have I mentioned that I have amazing family and friends? Both here in Chicago and back in Georgia. I opened up my mailbox today and found 10 letters in there- all unexpected. All of them told me how much I am missed, and how excited they are for me to get my white coat tomorrow.
And as I read them all, I felt just so darn bathed in love. I mean whoever orchestrated this (ahem Mom), included everyone. I got a letter from two great aunts, both grandmothers, some sweet sweet people from my home church, a very unique card with “lab” results included from both of my dogs :) and even a personalized hand drawn card from Mr. Caleb Kirksey ( I spelled it right THIS time!!). And I loved each one of them.
But for some reason, call it instinct or just the random order of mailed envelopes, I got to my family’s card last. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen that video of Kristen Bell’s reaction to a sloth. But thats kind of like me- except with like everything + slothes. “What you need to know about me, is that if I’m not at a 3 - 7 emotionally, I’m crying.” which is so so true. I cry every time I fly into Hartsfield. I cry watching the Lion King. Needless to say I cried reading all those cards.
And I totally thought I had it in me to hold it in. I made it through 9 cards without a tear. But something about that last card was the final straw on the camel’s back. I’ll even tell you what sent me over the edge. Its going to sound so stupid. My Mom signed the card “Love Mom” but instead of an “O” she drew in a little foot print. That was it. It was all over. I was sobbing. I have no idea how to explain it, other than that signature is just SO my Mom. Its so small. But thoughtful. Nothing that screams sappy, but she snuck that little bit of crafty momish thing in there and all those tears I had so safely avoided before rushed out.
Getting a white coat tomorrow is supposed to mean that I’ve earned the right to be see as a medical student in training. I worked hard this year. I studied more than I knew was possible. But that ceremony tomorrow means next to nothing when I think about home. I am glad I’m here. I think it’s where I’m supposed to be. But in this instant, right now I want to be home so so bad. I’m tired of school. I’m tiered of wearing a jacket and occasionally earmuffs in the middle of April. I’m tiered of being away from the ones I love.
I want to go home. But I’m stuck in Oz for another three weeks. About 15 minutes ago three weeks seemed like a super short time. Currently, it feels like an eternity.